Messy Human and Worthy
Messy, Human, and Worthy: The Power of Emotional Repair in Healing
By Krista Fee, M.A.
RISEUP Phoenix Woman
Somewhere along the way, many of us got the message that healing is about becoming perfect.
Calm all the time. Forgiving always. Centered. Untouchable.
We were taught that resilience is about never breaking. Never reacting. Never needing too much.
But here’s the truth, and I need you to hear it in your bones:
Resilience isn’t about never breaking. It’s about knowing how to repair.
And the most powerful women I know?
They cry. They rage. They disconnect and come back.
They break—and rise again.
💥 THE MYTH OF CLEAN HEALING
In trauma recovery spaces, especially for women, there’s often a hidden pressure to become some serene, radiant version of yourself who never gets messy again.
But if your trauma was full of chaos and self-blame…
If your survival required you to be quiet, good, or invisible…
Then even the act of falling apart again in a safe space?
That’s healing.
Perfection isn’t the goal. Authenticity is.
And authentic humans are messy.
🧠 REPAIR IS A NEUROBIOLOGICAL NECESSITY
Let’s get into the science.
When we experience rupture in relationships—like conflict, rejection, or abandonment—it activates the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for threat detection.
Your body enters fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—depending on your history.
But here’s the wild thing:
What actually rewires the nervous system is not the avoidance of rupture…
It’s the experience of repair.
When someone returns after a conflict—when they acknowledge harm, offer attunement, and allow for co-regulation—your ventral vagal system lights up. That’s the part of your nervous system responsible for safety and connection.
Translation?
Repair is what makes safety feel real.
Not absence of conflict. But recovery from it.
💔 FOR WOMEN WHO NEVER GOT TO REPAIR
If you’re a survivor of childhood trauma, abuse, trafficking, neglect, or domestic violence—you may have never experienced true repair.
You may have learned:
That love disappears when you mess up
That your pain is inconvenient
That safety is conditional
That silence is safer than speaking up
And so you became:
Hyper-independent
A chronic apologizer
A people-pleaser
Or someone who disconnects before they can be hurt
But underneath that?
There’s a part of you that wants to be met.
A part that longs to say, “I’m hurting,” and still be held.
A part that doesn’t want to walk away or shut down—but doesn’t know how to stay.
That part is not broken. She’s under-resourced. And she’s ready to come home.
🔁 THE POWER OF REPAIRING WITH YOURSELF
The first place repair has to happen?
Inside you.
Let me say that again:
You don’t need to be healed to be whole. You need to know how to repair with yourself.
That means:
When you lash out, you reflect and return—not shame spiral.
When you dissociate, you come back gently—not with punishment.
When you recognize a trauma response, you meet it with curiosity—not criticism.
Self-repair is the moment you whisper,
“I see you. I get why you did that. Let’s try again.”
That moment right there? That’s resilience.
🛠 5 REPAIR PRACTICES FOR MESSY, BRAVE WOMEN
Here are five tangible ways to practice emotional repair—inside yourself and in your relationships:
1. Name the Rupture Without Blame
Try:
“Something just broke inside me. I’m not sure what happened, but I want to understand it.”
This creates space for awareness, not attack.
2. Speak to the Younger Part
Use IFS-style language:
“A part of me feels like I’m about to be abandoned. That part is panicking. But I’m the one in charge now.”
This softens reactivity and builds self-trust.
3. Return After You’ve Regulated
Don’t force repair in the middle of a trigger. Step back, regulate, then return with presence.
“I shut down earlier. I wasn’t ready. But I’m back now, and I want to reconnect.”
That line right there? Game changer.
4. Let Yourself Be Seen Mid-Mess
You don’t have to show up polished to be worthy of connection.
Try:
“I’m not okay right now, but I still want to be close.”
Healing doesn’t require you to be shiny. It just asks that you stay real.
5. Celebrate the Return
Every time you come back—to your body, your breath, your people—that’s repair.
Name it. Own it. Let it count.
“That was hard. I wanted to disappear. But I came back. That matters.”
🌱 CLOSING: YOU ARE MESSY, HUMAN, AND STILL SO WORTHY
You were never meant to be flawless.
You were never meant to only be lovable in your best moments.
Your wholeness includes your rage.
Your healing includes your triggers.
Your resilience is found in the mess—not the mask.
So if you’re learning to come back after dissociation…
If you’re practicing staying when every part of you wants to run…
If you’re rebuilding after years of silence, shutdown, or shame…
You are not behind.
You are becoming.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
💬 Join Us Inside the RISEUP Phoenix Woman Program
A space for women who have been silenced, abused, discarded—and are ready to rise.
🔥 Guided healing through trauma
📝 Narrative recovery using the Write2Heal framework
💬 Community support with real tools and real stories
💡 Mentorship, courses, and a place where your whole story is welcome
Because repair is the new resilience.
👉 CONNECT
🏷 #RISEUPVoices #RISEUPPhoenixWoman #Write2Heal #RepairIsResilience #TraumaHealing #EmotionalRepair #WomensRecovery #IFSHealing
