The Window and the Wall: Helping Children Express Big Feelings Safely

By Krista Fee | RISEUP: Voices From the Frontlines | KIDSAFE™ Series

When a child melts down, shuts down, or lashes out, most adults instinctively react—correct the behavior, stop the chaos, restore order.

But here’s the truth: the goal isn’t to stop the emotion. It’s to create safety inside it.

In this episode of RISEUP: Voices From the Frontlines, we explore a vital concept for anyone raising, teaching, or working with children: how to be the window when their world feels like a wall.

The Child’s Nervous System Under Stress

Let’s start with the science.

A child’s brain is still developing—especially the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for emotional regulation, impulse control, and reasoning. Meanwhile, the amygdala—the brain’s fear center—is already fully online and highly reactive.

So when a child hears yelling, senses tension, or feels misunderstood, their brain processes it as danger. That activates a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response.

• Fight: yelling, hitting, throwing

• Flight: running away, hiding

• Freeze: shutting down, going silent

• Fawn: people-pleasing, over-compliance

These are not bad behaviors. They are biological responses from a nervous system in distress.

The Wall vs. The Window

When a child is dysregulated, what they need most is co-regulation—a calm, grounded adult to anchor them through the storm.

• The Wall is the adult who shames, yells, punishes, or disconnects.

• The Window is the adult who stays emotionally available and safe, even when the child isn’t.

Being a window doesn’t mean you allow harmful behavior. It means you lead with connection before correction—because true discipline means to teach, not to punish.

5 Tools to Help Kids Navigate Big Emotions

Here are five trauma-informed tools to help children feel, name, and move through their emotions—without getting stuck in them.

1. Name It to Tame It

When you name a feeling, it activates the child’s prefrontal cortex and helps them shift out of survival mode.

Try this:
“It looks like your body is really mad right now. I wonder if it’s because you didn’t feel heard?”

IFS language tip:
Say, “Is there a part of you that’s feeling angry?” This teaches children their feelings are parts of them—not all of them.

2. Co-Regulate With Your Body

Children respond more to your nervous system than your words.

Try this:
Slow your breathing. Lower your voice. Offer a hand and say, “Let’s take three deep breaths together.” Even if they resist, your calm state is the regulation they need to borrow.

3. Validate Before You Redirect

Emotional safety comes first. Validation helps a child feel seen and lowers their defenses.

Try this:
“It makes sense that you feel upset. That was really overwhelming.” Then invite a different behavior.

This teaches: Your feelings are allowed. Your behavior is guidable.

4. Create Emotional Outlets

Not all kids process feelings through words. Use art, movement, music, and play to help them express.

Try this:
“Want to draw what your mad looks like?” or “Let’s stomp out the grumpy together.”

These rituals become emotional blueprints they’ll carry for life.

5. Build the Bridge Back to Safety

Once calm returns, revisit what happened with curiosity—not shame.

Try this:
“What helped you calm down? What should we try next time?”

This builds emotional literacy and teaches that even big feelings have a beginning, middle, and end.

You Don’t Have to Be Perfect—Just Present

Being the window doesn’t mean you never get frustrated or overwhelmed. It means you come back. You model repair. You lead with empathy and regulation—not just rules.

And most of all, you help the child build internal windows—emotional tools they’ll use long after you’re gone.

👩‍🏫 JOIN THE RISEUP BUILDING BLOCKS KIDS™ COMMUNITY

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Your membership includes:

• Expert-led courses on resilience and child development

• CEU-eligible trainings on bullying, suicide prevention, and crisis response

• Trauma-informed tools for home, classroom, and care settings

• Group coaching and access to certified mentors

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Children don’t need perfection. They need presence.
Be the window they can see hope through.

🎧 Listen to the full episode → https://feeds.megaphone.fm/HERML4183537849
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