Words That Heal or Harm: The RISEUP Rules of Engagement for Trauma Informed Leadership
Words That Heal or Harm: The RISEUP Rules of Engagement for Trauma-Informed Leadership
How communication determines whether systems RISEUP or collapse, and why trauma-informed rules can save organizations, families, and communities.
Why Words Matter
My name is Krista Fee, founder of the RISEUP Phoenix Trauma and Crisis Institute. I’ve spent my career working at the intersection of trauma, crisis response, and leadership development. My purpose in writing this series is to show leaders—whether you’re running an organization, teaching in a classroom, or parenting at home—that leadership isn’t about titles. It’s about responsibility. And one of the greatest responsibilities leaders carry is how we use our words.
Words are not neutral. They can wound, silence, and divide, or they can restore, empower, and heal. The difference between collapse and resilience in any system often comes down to communication. That’s why I developed the RISEUP Rules of Engagement: simple, trauma-informed principles that help leaders replace toxic habits with practices that build trust and stability.
The Firehouse, the Family, and the Boardroom: When Words Fail
Let me start with a story. A police department I worked with was nearly destroyed by its own internal culture. After scandals rocked the community, morale hit an all-time low. Officers didn’t trust leadership. Citizens didn’t trust officers. Gossip, blame, and defensiveness poisoned every conversation.
When one officer told me, “Every time I raise a concern, I get blamed for being negative. So I stopped talking,” I knew we had a problem bigger than policy. Silence had replaced dialogue, and silence in a system is not peace, it’s suffocation.
I’ve seen the same dynamics play out in families fractured by years of yelling, and in nonprofits devastated by scandals. The common denominator isn’t just a crisis. It’s communication that reenacts harm instead of repairing it.
The RISEUP Rules of Engagement
Here’s the framework I developed to stop collapse and make communication a source of resilience:
No Blame – Focus on facts, not fault. Avoid you always, you never, this is your fault.
No Shame or Guilt – Validate feelings without weaponizing them.
No Mindreading – Don’t assume motives; ask clarifying questions.
No Assumptions – Seek evidence before drawing conclusions.
No Name-Calling – Maintain dignity even in conflict.
These rules might sound simple, but they’re powerful. They aren’t just “nice-to-have” guidelines. They are essential survival skills for any system, including schools, businesses, families, or nonprofits, that want to rise above collapse instead of repeating the same destructive patterns.
The Science: Why Toxic Communication Breaks Systems
Psychologist John Gottman identified the “Four Horsemen” of relational breakdown: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He used them to predict divorce, but the same dynamics show up in organizations.
Criticism becomes blame-filled performance reviews.
Contempt appears as sarcasm, eye-rolling, or “us vs. them” culture.
Defensiveness shuts down collaboration.
Stonewalling turns conflict into silence and paralysis.
The RISEUP Rules are the antidote. They dismantle blame, replace contempt with dignity, interrupt defensiveness, and break down stonewalling. Neuroscience shows us why this matters: when communication feels unsafe, our nervous system defaults to fight, flight, or freeze. When dialogue is safe, the system re-engages, creativity returns, and resilience is possible.
Stories of Transformation
I watched a family once adopt these rules around the dinner table. Years of shouting had left scars on every member. At first, “no blame” felt impossible. But slowly, they caught themselves and shifted: Wait, that was an assumption. Let me ask instead.
One evening, their teenage daughter admitted, “This is the first time I feel like I can talk and not get shut down.”
That’s the power of clean communication.
In another case, a nonprofit on the brink of collapse adopted the RISEUP Rules in board meetings. By shifting from blame to facts, from shame to validation, and from assumptions to questions, they transitioned from shouting matches to solutions. Six months later, not only had they survived, they had rebuilt stronger than before.
Why Trauma Demands Clear Rules
Trauma creates chaos. It pushes people into survival states: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. In these states, words easily become weapons. That’s why survivors of trauma, and the systems they build, can’t rely on “just be nice” or “good intentions.” They need structure.
The RISEUP Rules function like trauma-informed SOPs for communication. They make dialogue predictable, accountable, and safe. They don’t erase emotion. They channel it. They give teams, families, and leaders a framework for conflict that doesn’t collapse into chaos.
Personal Reflection: Why I Built These Rules
These rules are not theory for me. They’re lifelines. As the throwaway daughter of a trafficking victim, as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and as a woman who endured domestic violence, I know what it feels like to be silenced, blamed, and shamed.
I also know what it feels like to be heard. Voices that validated me, questions that sought truth, and conversations that protected dignity changed my life.
That’s why I created the RISEUP Rules of Engagement: to provide leaders with tools that prevent the reenactment of harm and create space for healing in systems everywhere.
Practical Takeaways for Leaders
If you’re ready to strengthen your system, start here:
Introduce the RISEUP Rules at your next meeting.
Model them yourself, even when it’s difficult.
Interrupt toxic language, criticism, contempt, and assumptions, before they corrode trust.
Celebrate when conflict is handled with dignity.
Integrate the rules into policy, charters, and family agreements.
These small steps create cultural permission for healthier dialogue, building resilience into the very DNA of your system.
Conclusion: Words as Fire or Fuel
Words are like fire. They can consume trust or forge it. They can burn systems down, or they can fuel systems to rise. The RISEUP Rules of Engagement are focused on being strong enough to protect dignity in conflict, disciplined enough to prevent reenactment, and wise enough to choose language that heals instead of harms.
If you want your family, organization, or community to thrive, don’t underestimate the power of language. Systems don’t rise without fire, and leaders don’t rise without disciplined dialogue.
Call to Action
➡️ Book a call with me, Krista Fee, to explore how trauma-informed leadership can transform your organization or schedule custom training for your team: https://calendly.com/riseupphoenix/compass
➡️ Join the Trauma-Informed Leadership Course and Community — where you’ll gain the full toolbox of skills, CEU-backed training, and support you need to implement these practices in every part of your life.
